Good Evening Aunty Momo and Family, please keep anonymous. I don’t know if should say I came for advice or to vent but it’s a mentally and emotional issue. I grew up as a quiet boy and I was just quiet by nature, even though sometimes I felt like my father doesn’t love me based on how he would discipline me. I would sometimes feel abused. But that’s not an issue, the problem started back in 2012. I was doing grade 9 and it was around March. So we were writing a test in class and I had a running stomach and thought I could handle it until I messed up myself. From that day until the whole of term 2 I didn’t go to school but eventually I went to school and caught up.
Cut the long story short, I pleaded with my family for me to change school but they never allowed and because I was living under their rules I had to stick with the same school even thou academically I was dropping. I felt like they didn’t care.Since I then felt neglected and useless. 2014 I started drinking and smoking. And from there I told myself that finally I found something to run away from my demons. I got a weekend job and most of the time you would find me drunk and I would sometimes attend school smelling alcohol.
I finally finished matric with surviving with alcohol to fight my overthinking mind. Fast forward I got my first job and I would drink the whole salary and not see any problem. I tried to fight with myself to be a better person but I still can’t stop my overthinking mind. It sometimes breaks me when I see people laughing and they seem to be looking at me cause I feel as they’re laughing at what happened 2012. Last year September I got so hurt when some people made a minor joke about me and it broke so hard that when I arrived at home I attempted to quit the world and all thanks to my girlfriend she arrived in time.
I honestly can’t live my life. I got this burden on me and the only time I’m actually me is when I’m drunk and when I’m sober everything from 2012 until today comes exactly how it happened and it’s as if it happened yesterday. I’m sorry for such long story and please don’t judge cause I’m already crying when I writing this.